Just Win The F***ing Cup!

A Carabao Cup preview; direct from the heart of a lifelong Newcastle United supporter.

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A New Approach

Let’s have some positivity shall we?

I know, I know. I only have myself to blame. If I am being brutally honest it’s my own fault really, but I am sick of being cautiously pessimistic about Newcastle United. As a fan I’ve made it my speciality to never allow myself to get too high, or too low following this club. It’s a good way to not get hurt. It’s a good way to avoid being the target of other fans piss taking. It’s a good way to pretend things don’t matter as much as they actually do.

But you know what? Fuck that.

I’m sick of that approach. That approach has got me nowhere. It’s not like the club have had to expand their trophy cabinet at any point during the time I’ve spent not getting my hopes up. So it’s time for a something exciting, something new. After getting back to winning ways, somewhat unexpectedly on Monday night, I am feeling the wave of excitement and a growing hope that Newcastle United can do the unthinkable in the final. Honestly.

I am one of the fortunate ones to have a ticket into Wembley on Sunday. My demands are reasonable. All I ask is for it to be more than just ‘a lovely weekend’ in the capital with my family and thousands of other Magpies. I simply want the club to win the trophy.

Into Them!

We all know playing Liverpool is going to be hard; it really does go without saying so I am not going to dwell on that in this article. Instead, let’s focus on some of the things Newcastle United do have going for themselves.

Firstly, history shows that many average (or outright crap) football teams have managed to win cups in the past. Not every season, obviously but enough to prove that if you’re in the final, you have a chance.

Wigan Athletic, who were literally relegated from the Premier League a week after they lined up - and beat - Manchester City in the 2013 FA Cup final, somehow managing to get a scruffy 1-0 win. Portsmouth, a slightly above average Premier League team in 2008, found themselves beating Championship side Cardiff to claim their most recent FA Cup. Four years earlier, mid table Middlesbrough prevailed over Bolton Wanderers to claim their only major trophy to date.

Secondly, Newcastle do possess a few players, who on their day can change games and score goals. Alexander Isak being the standout. With him in the team, there’s always a chance Newcastle can score a goal, with good service to him.

And let’s not forget this United team were a little unfortunate not to beat Liverpool in the Premier League earlier this season, putting 3 goals past them in an entertaining 3-3 draw. As good as Liverpool have been this season, their achilles heel is that they do concede goals. Get into them!

I Don’t Care, Just Win

Most of us have this ideal dream of seeing Newcastle play a wonderful 90 minutes of beautiful, free flowing, attack filled football to claim a fully deserved 2-0 win. Not me though. Not anymore anyway.

You see, I don’t care if Newcastle play the worst game of football I’ve ever seen. Believe me I’ve seen some absolute shite in my 35+ years of attending matches. Possibly the worst of all time was a League Cup match against Wigan, away, in 2005 where I was one of the 11,574 ‘lucky’ people to witness, football management genius and all round nice guy, Graeme Souness’s woeful team lose 1-0 to an 86th minute penalty. The highlight of the entire evening was witnessing so called professional footballer, Albert Luque, doing a superb impression of a man struggling to run through the trenches of Normandy circa 1915. It truly was incredible stuff. A core memory made right there.

As I say, I don’t care if Newcastle play the worst game of football I’ve ever seen. I don’t care if Liverpool have 25 shots, hit the bar, the post and have one cleared off the line. So long as we claim the trophy, I honestly do not care how we do it.

For a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon, I want Newcastle United’s players to be the luckiest set of bastards to ever step foot on a football pitch. I want to see a proper return of the ‘dark arts’. Let’s embrace relentless shithousery to swing things in our favour. Let’s frustrate and irritate Liverpool to give us an edge. Let every single one of us bear witness to Brazilian superstar Joelinton completing his redemption arc, by spooning the winner off his shin, past Alisson for the winner.

The only thing I ask is that the team actually turn up to this final and let Liverpool know they are in a game. Something no Newcastle team has done for over 50 years. How they do that, I really don’t care. But let’s stop pretending we are simply happy to have a day out at Wembley.

Just win the f***ing cup!